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Sunday 12 June 2016

The Accidental Upstart Crow (Or Shakespeare's Cat as I call it what I like)

In Liverpool they showed excerpts from Shakespeare's 37 plays at a number of venues on the St George's Day weekend. I loved them and it inspired this short story in tribute. I decided to make it funny, give him a plot to solve and include his family life with the ritual humiliations of being a writer.  A couple of weeks later and David Mitchell and co showed up on BBC2 with Upstart Crow. Guess what? Yup. A story about Will's domestic life...yada, yada.yada. Anyway this is the first half of my version. Hope you like it.

Shakespeare's Cat
'Away with you, foul animal,' snarled Will. He snatched his quill away as the cat tried to paw it. They glared at each other. Will had to get the script finished by the end of a fortnight. The Queen was coming to watch this wretched play at the end of the month. And now that animal of the devil was treating his quill as a plaything. 'Anne,' he called, 'Annie, can you remove this cat from here? Now.' Answer came there none.

He tried to grab the cat but it spun faster than a prize-fighter and got it's strike in first. Blood trickled from neat tiger stripes on the back of his hand. Will raised an arm. The cat's ears went back. It turned and leapt through the window but not before it had knocked the ink all over his work.
'Vile creature.' Will hurled the dripping manuscript into the bin. He had a fortnight, a fortnight to get this right. And the Queen didn't accept failure kindly.

'Daddy,' Hamnett stood by his shoulder. 'You promised me we'd go fishing.'
Will sighed.  'Not today lad. I've got a play to write.'
Hamnett sighed and leant against his father. The quill slipped.
'Go and play with your sister,' he suggested.
'She's boring. And you said people should keep their promises.'
'True, that's absolutely true. And, as soon as I've finished this Act I will.'
'What's it about?' Will breathed out slowly. He knew Hamnett wasn't deliberately trying to annoy him but he hated explaining his plots to people. They always sounded ridiculous to him and people always said oh, as if they thought it was a waste of time too. Or they asked him where he got his ideas from. Will stayed silent and hoped his son would get bored. Instead he started to swing on the back of his chair.
'Stop that now. Anne! Anne!'
'Mummy's gone to the bakers.'
'Hamnett, I've got to get on with my work. This play's bad enough as it is.'
'Write one for me Daddy.'
'What?'
'I want a play with twins in it.'
Shakespeare considered this request. 'With a boy and girl who...'
'Not a girl twin. I want a boy twin,' Hamnett paused, ' A brother I could go fishing with.' Will winced. Little sod, he was cranking up the guilt. 'Write it for me Daddy, promise.'
'If you promise to play with your sister.'
'Judith only wants to play dolls with Susanna.' Hamnett tripped out of the room. Will butted his forehead against the desk. He was a bloody idiot.

Anne came in later. Will was about to snap when he noticed her fine dark eyes were looking inwards. She smiled faintly but sorrow ate at the corners of her mouth.
'Pray love, what is the matter?' Will caught her gently by the wrist. Anne blinked rapidly and took a deep breath.
'It's Edward, the baker's son. He died during the night of a fever. No-one had any idea.' They both looked down at the floor then they looked through the window at Hamnett playing with his sisters and their cats. They were twirling some string which the cats attacked with glee. Will and Anne stood side by side listening to the children laughing as they tried to whisk the string away, but the paws of the tabby and white cats were too fast. In his mind Will saw Edward, a stocky little boy with tow coloured hair playing with Hamnett. It was a few days ago. Just a few days past. Anne gently removed her hand and went out. Will sat down again and grasped his quill. It was to be a play about twins. And loss.

The girls bought some purple ribbon for the cats. It was all the rage in the town. Will smiled and rolled his eyes at the conceit. How long would it last round those necks. Then he sat back in his chair, what was going to happen to those twins?  Two hours later he still had no idea when the white kitten leapt through the window with a lamb chop in its mouth.

Will gave chase but the cat shot into the cellar and hid behind some boxes. That must be someone's supper, but, unless it was the Fletcher who would eat anything, the they would need to find something else. Bloody animal. Will turned the key in the lock. Blanche the white kitten could damn well stay there in disgrace.

He sat down and tried again. Then Susannah knocked on the door. Ink dripped onto the paper. Will had been doodling.
'Daddy, Mistress Midden is here,' her voice dropped to a whisper. 'She looks like a pudding full of sour plums.'
'Where's your mother?'
'With the baker's family.'
Mistress Midden squeezed through the doorway and plonked her ample parts on a wooden chair that was already complaining about the arrangement. She wiped her nose with the back of her hand and glared round. 'This the place you do your writing? Tis like a tart's tickle box. Not a place for proper man's work.'
'And how are Mr Midden's cows my good lady. I hear he has some prize specimens.'
'That he has,' she replied. 'Has the queen ever watched some of your Nancy plays?'
'Many a time. Some folk even think she likes them. Now, what can I do for you good lady?'
Mistress Midden examined the room with great care. Will reckoned she had a much better valuation of the contents than he had. 'It's about your cat. The white one.'
'Blanche?'
'Is that what you call her?' Mrs Midden spat neatly into the fireplace. There was a brief sizzle then she turned back. 'Blasted animal, pardon my French, chased a mouse into the creamery. It drowned in the vat of milk. Now I want recompense.'
'For the vat of milk.'
'No. For the time spend squeezing the milk out of its fur.'
Will blinked rapidly and prayed Anne bought the butter from elsewhere. A smile played about his lips, 'Did you squeeze it in the Low Countries? It might have swallowed some milk.'
Mistress Midden's eyes rounded. 'I did not sir,' she said. 'But next time I shall make sure I do. In the meantime your cat...'
Will thought carefully. 'When was this?
'Not twenty minutes ago,' came the reply.
Will blinked again.'it cannot be Blanche for she is locked in the cellar for these last two hours. And besides,' he added, 'she wears a purple ribbon.'
'I know,' Mistress Midden plonked a cream drenched bow on the table. Will examined it then rose and went to the cellar. Blanche popped out immediately and ran into the garden.
'Can't be my cat,' said Will.
'They can escape from anywhere,' declared the lady. She held out her hand. Will handed over a penny then watched Mistress Midden waddle back to her prize cows. Blanche still had her ribbon on. Will put his head on one side. Now there was a pretty mystery. Then he scratched his head and returned to his labours.

It was four of the clock when he raised his head again. Anne was talking to one of the neighbours - the blacksmith unless he was mistaken. Her head was on one side and she was smiling and running her purse strings through her fingers. Meanwhile the Blacksmith stood feet astride and was grinning.  The two of them looked most friendly. A pox on your house Smith, though Will. He wished he had time to come out and break up the happy union by his gate.

Susanna scampered down the path and ran across the lawn. Tabitha was sunning herself in the garden; the sunlight gave her thin kittenish coat a rich tawny glow. Susanna picked her up and cuddled her. Will watched through the window and smiled. Then Hamnett and his friend ran past and pulled the kitten's tail. Wailing ensued. Will closed the window and rubbed the end of his quill on his chin. Inspiration was a long way off. He sighed. It needed to strike soon.

After supper he strolled by the river with Anne, leaving the three children behind with his in-laws. One of the few times he was grateful they all lived together. The sun's soft rays warmed his head and he finally felt his shoulders relax. Anne smiled tucked her arm through his, swans sailed past like miniature galleons and all was right with the world. Tabitha popped out of the undergrowth. Will darted forward to grab the little cat, fearful she might fall into the river. But the tiny tabby arched her back and hissed as if he was a perfect stranger. Anne reached out but a petite paw slapped her hand in warning.
'Tabitha,' a female voice called. It was not Susannah's. The kitten ran eagerly away without a backward glance. Will and Anne widened their eyes and winced. Why had Susannah's beloved pet deserted her?
'The fickleness of cats is no less than the fickleness of women,' muttered Will. Anne glared at him and they walked home briskly, his wife leading the way. But when they peeped into the girl's bedroom both kittens were curled blissfully at the end of the bed. A mystery.
'Not so fickle then,' Anne looked smug. Will crept downstairs to try and make progress with his play.

The morning passed. Will shunted a comma round a sentence and sucked his quill. By eleven o'clock he decided to go for a walk. As he was passing the church the priest called out to him. Will turned his feet and walked into the stone coolness of The Holy Trinity church. Vicar Halford gestured towards the font with a long boney hand. Will was puzzled, there were no christenings planned in the family.
'William, we encountered a slight problem at the font.' Vicar Halford paused and balanced on one leg for a moment. This habit plus his elongated figure had promoted the nickname of Heron by the locals. A giggle was suppressed. Will arranged his features into an expression of concern. 'We were baptising an infant when your kitten Blanche leapt up and started to drink from the font. She consumed a considerable amount of holy water,  blasphemous creature. We were most aggrieved.' Will nodded but wondered what on earth the vicar expected him to do about it. Then he reached for his purse and handed the vicar a penny. 'Most kind,' returned the vicar. 'By the way, I went to see the Spanish Tragedy when I was last in town - a most wondrous entertainment. The crowd gave a standing ovation.'
'Good, good,' said Will. Bloody Thomas Kyd and his overblown potboiler.
'Of course, I haven't seen any one your plays,' said the vicar. 'I've always thought, if I wasn't a man of the cloth, that I might write one. Afunny one. Or a thundering good yarn.
'Why not,' agreed Will, 'anyone can toss off a few lines, and why, there's a play.' He gave the vicar a swift bow and left the church.  A few little figures scuttled in between the graves; Hamnett and his friends with their fishing rods. Well it was a fine day to be casting a fly in the river. Will's heart ached. Hamnett had given up asking his father. Every time he returned home the boy had changed so much. He has progressed from the first stage to the second stage in between one breath and another, or so it seemed .

The house was in uproar when he returned. Susanna and Judith were weeping, Anne's hair was slipping from her wimple and her cheeks were flushed. For a moment Will stood and admired her disarray.
'Will, the Miller has only come and stolen our cats.'
'Thank heaven we are rid of those creature,' cried Will, 'they are the enemies of my time and my craft.' His womenfolk glared at him.
'William Shakespeare,' spat his wife, 'you live too long in the world of make believe. These are your own real daughters whose hearts are broken not some mimsy invention who wafts about the stage wailing.'
'He's taken our pets,' Susanna's chin shook as she battled with her tears. 'He says they belong to his girls. But I love my Tabby and I want her back. Blanche too.'
'You've got to confront him and get them back,' demanded Anne, 'even if you've got to fight him.'
The Millar was the height of two barrels and the width of three. When he was drunk he'd punched a shire horse and knocked it to its knees. Even his own shadow was scared of him. Will swallowed.
'Seeing as they are the cause of much ado perhaps we should buy a differently striped pair?' The chorus of disapproval told him otherwise.

'Wish me luck,' he said to Anne and then he tenderly kissed his daughters. Then, placing a cap on his locks he walked over towards the mill.

To be continued.

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